Crazy Hard: Squirmy Worm

Most boring game I’ve ever played in my life! The ad on Twitter was cute, so I DL to check it out. OMG I feel like I’ve lost brain cells! It’s so mind-numbingly BORING! Do you have a pet? Dog? Cat? Hamster? Ant farm? Let them tap the screen and you’ll get just as much excitement watching their accidental efforts. Probably more. I’m positive this was created in an elementary school computer class. Good for the kids for learning basic gaming design, but put up a disclaimer next time. 🤦🏻‍♀️

4 years ago, my life was perfect. I had a well-paying job, a loving wife, and 42 beautiful kids. I would often go out with the boys on Saturdays. On one amazing night, my friends made me download this masterpiece of a game. No... masterpiece is an understatement. I went home that fateful night and did not sleep. I stayed up all night playing squirmy worm. Concerned, my wife called the police as my life slowly spiraled out of control. Displeased with my new addiction and the gorilla's thicc cheeks, she cheated on me and took my kids, my house, and abused her access to my bank account. The boys agreed that I was beyond saving and moved on. My nutrition comes from PVC pipes and glass shards I come across in landfills occasionally. I felt my guts shriveling up from a lack of hydration. I had nothing. Except the beauty of the worm. His hands, outstretched, made me feel safe. The plotline touches me relates to me, makes me believe there is hope for my future. He cured my testicular cancer, stopped my constant period cramps, and brought me happiness, which I presumed was lost forever, immediately. He has become me, and I have become him. Since beginning to play, I have grown a fourth butt cheek, and I have become content. What I once lost, I now have in the form of this game. I pray to the worm every night before I go to sleep on the nice, warm sidewalk. I was asked to visit the White House for an interview. The first and only important question asked was, and I quote, "How have you survived for this long on the streets?" The answer was simple. squirmy worm. God bless this wonderful game, it truly pulled me out of the dark. Thank you, for bringing me joy in it's purest form. ❤️